I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
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