tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
