I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
