I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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