I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
