The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
my being single is dangerous.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
