I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
