Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
