He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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