shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
