Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
