I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
