If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Even my vagina gasped.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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