I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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