I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
