I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize