i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
