I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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