This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Someone shattered a urinal.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
