It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
