i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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