I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
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