Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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