you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize