nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
