My liver just broke up with me...
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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