Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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