we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
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