Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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