I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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