i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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