the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
