nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
