You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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