I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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