Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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