I think my fart just growled at me.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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