Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
