i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
