I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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