Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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