so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
