guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
