fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Alive.
So much puke
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
