Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
