Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
