I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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