so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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