I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
