I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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