im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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