I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
