i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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