remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
be right there i have to get my cape
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
