How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
