I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
