you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize