I CAN MOONWALK!
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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